


You Made Them Feel Like They Had the Devil Inside Them

by cypress_tree



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Case Fic, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Rafael, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 02:47:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15185042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cypress_tree/pseuds/cypress_tree
Summary: Some cases hit closer to home than others.  "Conversion" (season 18, episode 19), from Rafael's point of view.





	You Made Them Feel Like They Had the Devil Inside Them

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is mostly made up of missing scenes, but some of it does cross over with what happens in the actual episode, so some dialogue is taken right from the show. I trimmed a lot for narrative clarity. 
> 
> The fic should fit in neatly around the events of the episode; I didn't change anything that happens canonically, I just added things. Like sex.

Rafael knew when Olivia texted him that they weren’t _just_ meeting up for drinks. There was something she had to say, and Rafael wasn’t going to like it. It’s a hunch at first—something about the way she worded her text—but it’s confirmed for him when Olivia catches his eye across the bar and walks towards him with a tight, close-lipped smile.

“How bad is it?” he asks, as Olivia sits down.

“What?”

“You clearly want to talk about something. How much am I going to hate it?”

Olivia laughs quietly and shakes her head. She orders a glass of red wine from the bartender and sips as Rafael swirls his scotch in circles.

“It’s nothing bad,” she says, under the weight of Rafael’s stare. She seems to mentally battle herself, then turns to face Rafael and puts her own hand over his. “I just wanted to tell you—in private—that you don’t have to take this case if you don’t want to.”

Rafael groans and moves to pull away, but Olivia doesn’t let him.

“No, listen,” she says. “You’re not the only ADA in Manhattan. I can tell the squad you had something else you were working on—”

“Liv—”

“Some cases hit closer to home than others, and I wouldn’t blame you if you want to sit this one out.”

Rafael knows she’s trying to protect him. He can’t deny that he had a visceral, negative reaction to this case. But he can’t turn it down. He can’t say no just because—

“Liv, have I ever let my sexuality prevent me from taking a case?”

“No, but—”

“I’m not about to start now.”

 

\---

 

Rafael knew at a young age that he was gay. He knew when he was nine years old and got a crush on Miguel Ríos, whose older brother worked at the bodega on the corner of their street. He still remembers those butterflies. Being transfixed by the dark brown curls that fell into Miguel’s eyes. He remembers saving up to buy Bubbaloo and plantain chips—but only on days when Miguel was there, helping out his brother by sweeping the floors.

Rafael came out to his grandmother at 15. His mother, soon after. He never came out to his father, but then, there were a lot of things he never told his father.

People in the DA’s office know. Carmen knows. Olivia knows. Fin knows. He’s not sure about the others in SVU, but if they don’t know, it’s not because it’s a secret, it’s because it’s never come up.

The point is: Rafael is confident, successful, and secure in his identity. And that’s why he’s not going to turn down a “curative intercourse” case.

 

\---

 

The next evening—past 8pm—Rafael is still in his office, eating room-temperature sushi alone at his desk. He looks over the case file for the hundredth time. The victim is Ann Davenport, raped by Lucas Hull—a member of her church—in an attempt to “cure” her of her homosexuality. Rafael reads the narrative report dispassionately.

_Det. Rollins told Hull that the victim was raped. Upon hearing this, Hull immediately shook his head and responded “She wasn’t raped; I would never rape anyone.” Det. Rollins asked Hull to explain. Hull said “It was curative intercourse. I was saving her soul.”_

Rafael sets down the paper and sighs. He pops the last salmon nigiri into his mouth, then leans back in his chair and rubs his temples between the thumb and forefinger of one hand. The defense is going to use this to their advantage.

“Counselor?”

Rafael opens his eyes to find Carisi in the doorway of his office. Carmen left the door ajar—she always does when he stays late, in hopes that if Rafael gets up to close the door, he’ll realize how tired he is and decide to go home.

“Am I interrupting?” Carisi asks.

Rafael shakes his head. “No, no, I’m just—” He looks down at the mess of papers littering his desk. The police report rests on top.

“Rough case,” Carisi says. He leans over the back of an empty chair. “I mean, they all are, but this is really somethin’ else.”

“Mmm.” Rafael purses his lips and drops his empty tray and chopsticks into the trash. He likes when Carisi drops by to visit, though he always pretends not to. “Is there something I can help you with?” he asks.

Carisi smirks. “I came to ask you the same thing. And I brought dessert.” He holds up a white cardboard box stamped with the logo of his favorite pastry shop. Rafael motions for him to sit down. “You going over my report?” Carisi asks.

“Yes. Nicely written—not a grammatical error in sight.”

Carisi shakes his head, smiling. “If there’s anything I can tell you, just ask. Fin and I interrogated him, so—”

“What did you make of him? Give me the personal side you couldn’t put in the report.”

Carisi nods. His eyes go a little distant and he bites his lower lip before replying.

“The kid really believes in what he’s saying. He’s sincere. He’s genuine. He honestly believes that he was helping this girl out. He doesn’t think what he did was wrong.”

Rafael cleanses his palate with a long sip of water, then reaches for the box of pastries.

“He kept saying—” Carisi cuts himself off and gives a little snort of disbelief. “He claimed he was ‘following God’s command.’ Like he was taking orders from the guy, you know? I mean, I dunno what God he’s been talking to, but it sure as hell isn’t mine.”

“Hmm.” Rafael takes a bite of cannoli. “That won’t be good for us in court. The jury will see him as a pious young man just trying to do the right thing.”

Carisi nods, but he looks a little distracted. His leg is bouncing up and down. He doesn’t make eye contact with Rafael. Rafael is a little surprised to realize that Carisi is nervous.

“This—this ‘curative intercourse’ bullshit,” Carisi says. “It just bothers me so much.”

Rafael tenses. He feels like a spotlight is suddenly shining on him. Does Carisi know? Is he about to launch into an awkward but well-meaning speech about how open-minded he is? Rafael forces himself to finish the cannoli then wipes sticky, cream-tipped fingers on the edge of a napkin.

“You grew up in a religious family,” he says. “Do they—”

“No!” Carisi shakes his head quickly. “Fuck no—I mean, yeah there are some conservative people in my extended family, and my parents took a little while to get used to it, but we’re fine now, they’d never—”

“Wait, you talked to your parents about the case?”

“What? No, why—”

There’s a moment of silence where they both stare at each other in confusion. Rafael runs through their conversation in his head, wondering where he lost track of Carisi’s train of thought.

“Shit,” Carisi says, laughing a little. “Sorry, I meant—I meant when I came out to them. They took a little while to get used to it, but they’re okay now.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I’m bisexual.” Carisi lifts his chin up a bit, like he’s daring Rafael to say something.

“I didn’t know.” There’s another moment of silence while Carisi waits for more of a reaction. “I’m gay,” Rafael says.

Carisi’s face lights up. “Seriously?”

Rafael snorts. “You couldn’t tell?”

“Well you couldn’t tell that I’m bi!”

The tension in the room dissipates as they both laugh. Rafael feels warm relief rush into him. Carisi makes some joke about how obvious it seems in retrospect, but Rafael isn’t really listening. He’s just happy not to feel alone right now.

“God,” Carisi says. “We’ve known each other for how long?”

“Too long not to know this.”

Carisi looks at Rafael fondly. “Yeah.” He reaches for the last cannoli. “It’s not a secret, by the way. The squad already knows.”

Rafael nods. “Pretty much everyone except you knew about me.”

“Well that’s not true. Amanda doesn’t know, and I’m gonna lord it over her later.”

Rafael doesn’t ask why Carisi and his partner have been discussing Rafael’s personal life, but he can’t say he isn’t curious.

“Anyway, guess this case is gonna suck for the both of us, huh?”

They sober up as they look down at the files scattered all over Rafael’s desk. Rafael finds that he doesn’t want to deal with them anymore. By now it’s past 9:00, so he straightens them all into some semblance of order, planning to get back to it tomorrow.

“We calling it a night?” Carisi asks.

“Yes. I need some sleep before I can start thinking about this again.”

“Yeah, I hear ya.”

Carisi closes the pastry box and slides it over to Rafael.

“That was for you,” he says. “I know sfogliatella is your favorite. I thought you’d go for that over the cannoli.”

Rafael smiles to himself. “Didn’t want to get powdered sugar all over my suit.”

“I like when you have powdered sugar all over your suit.”

Rafael’s heart starts beating a little faster. Is Carisi flirting with him? No—he squashes that hope immediately. Just because Carisi is bisexual doesn’t mean their mutual teasing is anything but that—just teasing.

“Well, I’d better get going.” Carisi stands from his chair and puts on his jacket. “Can I walk you out, or—”

“No, go ahead. I’m going to be a few more minutes.”

Carisi nods, and Rafael could swear there’s a hint of disappointment in his expression.

“See you tomorrow,” he says.

“Goodnight.”

 

\---

 

Later, as he’s lying in bed, Rafael can’t stop thinking about the case. It’s far from the first time his work has followed him home. He’s been haunted by cases before—usually ones involving domestic violence, or ones where somebody has died because justice wasn’t served fast enough. He’s been haunted by every case involving a homophobic hate crime. This one is no different.

_“Ann told us that she didn’t consent—that she didn’t want to have sex.”_

_“No, she wanted to!”_

_“She told you this?”_

_“She didn’t have to. I know she didn't want to be a homosexual. No one does.”_

Rafael huffs an aggravated sigh and turns over in his empty bed. He looks at the blinking light on his phone—a text that he must have missed while he was too deep in thought. Sleep isn’t coming anytime soon, so he reaches over and picks up the phone, squinting against its too-bright glare.

 _Det. Carisi_  
_11:32pm_  
_hey, just wanted to say thanks_

Rafael stares at it for a moment, then checks the time. The text was sent only a couple of minutes ago. Carisi must not be sleeping, either.

 _Thanks for what?_ he texts back.

_i dont know. trusting me._

Rafael feels his heart warm. His phone dims, and he swipes a thumb over the screen to brighten it again. A little bubble appears, grey dots blinking as Carisi types out another text. He waits for it to come through, but it never does. The grey dots disappear, and the screen goes dim again. Rafael puts down his phone.

He would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t attracted to Carisi—if he said he hadn’t _been_ attracted to him all this time. Carisi is undeniably handsome, with his coiffed blonde hair turning silver at the temples, that lopsided smile that makes his eyes crinkle. And that’s not even mentioning his body. His legs— _god_ , his legs. His nicely toned arms, his slender hips always cocked to one side.

Rafael feels himself getting a little more excited than he should be, considering he’s supposed to be falling asleep. He squeezes his eyes closed. Carisi’s coming out inspired a little spark of hope, but he ignores it. They’re just work friends. That’s all it’s ever going to be.

 

\---

 

When Rafael shows up at the precinct to talk to SVU about the case, Olivia tells him that Lucas’s lawyer is invoking the First Amendment.

“He claims he was trying to cure her,” Rollins says. “And the victim does too.”

“The victim?” Rafael turns away from the evidence board. Carisi catches his eye, unfolding his arms with a frustrated look on his face.

“Yeah, she admits that she was raped, but doesn't wanna press charges because she thinks the guy did it for the right reasons.”

“None of that matters,” says Olivia. “Ann didn’t consent—it was rape.”

“Right, right, but if she really believes that what he did was curative—”

Rafael frowns. “Even if you buy into his demented doctrine, a patient has the right to refuse care at any time.”

“Of course, but I'm just saying that given her religious beliefs, alright? It's more than possible that this kid's defense attorney is gonna lather that up into consent.”

He’s right. “Yeah,” Rafael says, looking Carisi in the eye. “I agree.”

Carisi relaxes just a bit.

They need to get Ann on their side. Rafael tells them as much, then leaves to go back to his office.

“Barba, hey!”

Rafael presses the button for the elevator and turns to find Carisi running after him.

“Hey,” Carisi says. “Uh—” The elevator door dings and opens. Three officers walk out, carrying a tray of coffees and chatting animatedly. Rafael steps to the side. “Olivia’s going to talk to Ann,” Carisi says. “See what she can do. I’m sure she’ll win her over.”

Rafael nods. He never really questioned that.

“You uh—you okay?”

And that’s what Carisi _really_ wanted to say.

“It’s just that you never texted me back last night, and—I mean, I’m not tryin’ to be clingy, but I did want to check in. I figure we should kinda look out for each other, you know?” Carisi shrugs. “It really sucks to feel like you’re on your own.”

Rafael is a little taken aback. He’s spent a lot of time with Carisi, so he knows the man’s personality. He knows that Carisi is kind-hearted and eager to help. But Rafael is still struck every time that kindness is directed towards him.

“I’m fine,” Rafael says, quietly. “I’ve worked hate crime cases before, it’s not—”

“I know, I know.” Carisi gives a wry grin. “But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hit you every time.”

He’s right again.

“Anyway. Text me if you need to. I hope you sleep better tonight.” Carisi gives a warm, easy smile and turns to walk back to his desk. Rafael’s eyes follow him until he rounds the corner.

 

\---

 

Back in his office, Rafael tries to answer emails and review paperwork, but he isn’t getting much done. He keeps thinking about that gentle look in Carisi’s eyes. His warmth and compassion.

Rafael had brushed this off a long time ago as an unfortunate office crush. He doesn’t have a great track record with relationships, and dating someone he works with just doesn’t seem like a good idea. It’s too complicated. They’d have to sign disclosure papers and he’d have to recuse himself every time Carisi was lead on a case. Even if they did all the right things, there’d always be the chance that someone would—

Rafael shakes his head. He slams his laptop closed harder than he should, then grabs his coat, keys, and wallet. Lunch sounds like a good idea. His phone dings with a text alert as he’s slipping it into his pocket.

 _Liv Benson_  
_11:52am_  
_Just spoke to Ann. She’s willing to work with us._

Rafael texts back.

_Good. She won’t change her mind?_

_I don’t think so. She knows that what Lucas did was wrong. I told her she just needs to tell the truth._

_Great, thanks. Get her in touch with Carmen so she can make an appointment with me._

Rafael is about to pocket his phone again when Olivia sends another text. He sighs and pauses to check it.

_Be gentle with her._

Rafael rolls his eyes. He may not be as good with victims as Olivia is, but he’s not _terrible_.

 

\---

 

When bail is set at $100,000, Lucas looks worried. There’s some murmuring between him and the Reverend, and Rafael tries to eavesdrop as he gathers his belongings and slips files neatly into their folders.

“We’ve already started a collection,” the Reverend says. “The church takes care of its own.”

The next case is called. Rafael sees Olivia slip out of the room with Ann’s mother. He stalls in the back of the courtroom to give them a moment, taking his phone out of his pocket and opening up his last conversation with Carisi.

_Bail set at $100k. Church is starting a collection._

Carisi responds almost immediately.

_you think theyll make it?_

_Doubtful._

Rafael checks his email, answers a text from Carmen, and scrolls through a few news headlines before leaving the room. When he turns the corner, he sees Ann’s mother being led away by Reverend Gary. Olivia is standing alone, looking frustrated.

“I can imagine what that was about,” Rafael says, approaching her.

“These people really think that nothing criminal happened.”

Of course they don’t; they’re religious homophobes. For a moment, Rafael feels a flash of anger at Olivia’s ignorance. Rafael has known people like this his whole life. Maybe not to such an extreme extent, but growing up, almost everyone he knew was Catholic, and that didn’t make for a kind environment for a young gay boy to grow up in.

They chat a bit about the case. The Reverend won’t let Lucas take a deal for fear of losing face with his congregation. Rafael suggests going over Ann’s testimony one more time.

“He said, she said, God said. You don't want God to get the last word.” Rafael’s phone vibrates in his hand. “Spoke too soon,” he mutters, scanning the email that just came through. “Defense filed a motion to dismiss based on....First Amendment protections?”

Olivia shakes her head.

 

\---

 

When Rafael walks into Judge Goldfarb’s chambers, he’s a curious mix of nervous and angry. He greets the Judge politely, and they exchange comments about the weather just as the defense attorney, Evan Braun, scurries through the door.

“Good afternoon, your honor,” Braun says. He doesn’t greet Rafael, and the dislike is mutual. Rafael knew Braun was a few paces behind him, but he elected to ignore the man’s existence in favor of getting to the meeting first.

“Well?” Judge Goldfarb asks.

Braun puts on his smuggest smile. “The church to which both Lucas Hull and Ann Davenport belong holds firm in its belief that homosexuality is sinful—”

Rafael’s jaw clenches.

“And that curative intercourse is the appropriate remedy. Therefore, there was tacit consent.”

“This argument is ridiculous,” Rafael says.

Braun gives a quiet little laugh, and Rafael feels so angry he’d be surprised if it didn’t show on his face. They throw case citations back and forth—Cantwell v Connecticut, Reynolds v U. S., People v Moua. Judge Goldfarb watches them volley, but his face is impassive, and Rafael is just starting to get nervous when the Judge says,

“Good arguments. I’ll let the jury hear them. Motion to dismiss is denied.”

Rafael gives a quiet sigh of relief. “Thank you, your honor,” he says. Judge Goldfarb makes a little shooing motion. Braun gives a stiff nod and leaves the room.

Rafael’s phone vibrates again as he’s walking down the hall. It’s a call this time—Carisi. He ignores the flutter in his chest and answers it.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Carisi says. Rafael can hear the muted sounds of the precinct behind him. “Just wondering if you wanted to get lunch.”

Rafael pauses. “With you?”

“Yeah Counselor, with me.” There’s a smile in Carisi’s voice. “I did call your number, didn’t I?”

“Uh—”

“Are you free? I know you probably have a ton of trial prep going on, so—”

“Yeah—no, I’m free.” Rafael curses himself for stumbling over his words. “I have court this afternoon but I have time for lunch. Motion to dismiss was denied, by the way.”

Carisi snorts. “Not surprised. That was a stretch.”

“That’s what I thought.” There are too many people in the hallway, so Rafael pulls off to the side, behind a column. He readjusts the phone at his ear. “Do you want to meet at that sandwich place you like?”

“Yeah,” There’s that smile again. “Sounds good. Half an hour?”

“Sure. See you then.”

Carisi hangs up, but Rafael keeps the phone held to his ear for just a few more seconds. He wants to savor that moment of intimacy. The sound of Carisi’s voice in his ear. He jumps a mile when the phone starts vibrating again.

“Hello?” he says, grouchy and startled.

“Hi, is this Rafael Barba?”

“Yes, speaking.” Rafael frowns. The voice isn’t one that he recognizes.

“Hi, this is Lydia Banks. Ann’s—Ann’s friend.”

Oh. Rafael had tried to get in contact with Lydia earlier, but to no avail. He had told Carmen to give the girl his cell number if she called the office while he was out. But he hasn’t exactly been looking forward to this conversation.

“Lydia, I’m glad we got in contact. I just wanted to confirm that I won’t be needing you at trial today and—well to be honest, it would be best for Ann if you didn’t show up.

“....Wait, what?”

Rafael purses his lips. There was probably a nicer way to word that. Where’s Olivia when he needs her? “I know you care about Ann, but—”

“No, I don’t think you understand—”

“Trust me, I _do_.” There’s silence on the other end of the line. “I do, Lydia, but your relationship with Ann could hurt the case.”

“How?!”

“The defense is going to make this about her sexuality. It’s not about her sexuality, it’s about her consent. Having you there will just....muddy the waters, which will work to their advantage.”

Lydia takes a deep breath, slightly rattled, as if she’s trying to stop herself from crying.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael says.

Lydia snorts. “Yeah. Thanks.” She hangs up before Rafael can respond.

 

\---

 

Rafael arrives at the small, crowded cafe a little later than he intended. Carisi is already there, and waves to him from across the room. Rafael weaves through the crowd.

“Just got off the phone with Lydia Banks,” he says, draping his coat over an empty chair and untying his scarf. “I feel like an asshole.”

“Well, you _are_ an asshole, but what’s the reason this time?”

Rafael narrows his eyes at the jab. “Let me go get a sandwich, then I’ll explain.”

“No need; I got one for you.” Carisi shoves a paper bag across the table. “It’s your usual.”

“How do you know my usual?”

Carisi shrugs, a light blush appearing on his cheeks as he breaks eye contact. Rafael allows himself to enjoy it.

“Thank you,” he says, sitting down.

“What did Lydia say?” Carisi asks.

Rafael sighs. “She’s upset because I told her not to come to court today. It could—”

“It could hurt the case,” Carisi says. “But I bet that’s not what she wanted to hear.”

“No.” Rafael’s heart hurts, thinking about it. The confusion Lydia must be feeling. The loneliness and guilt. She’s obviously been carrying a torch for Ann ever since she moved to New York. She never gave up hope—for years. He should have been nicer to her over the phone.

“How are you feeling about the case?”

Rafael shrugs. “Not great. Lucas Hull has been spoon-fed this fundamentalist bullshit since he was born. He’s honest and genuine, and that makes him sympathetic to a jury.”

“Yeah. I get it.” Carisi looks down at the table, fishing for another potato chip out of his bag. “You ever think about how lucky you are? Not to have been raised like that?”

“Just because I wasn’t raised like Lucas Hull doesn’t mean my life’s been a walk in the park.”

“I know, but—I mean, anything’s better than that. I don’t know if you realize how much hellfire and damnation can mess with a kid.”

When Rafael looks up, Carisi is toying with the plastic flag at the end of his toothpick. He rolls it in his fingers, then seems to blink himself out of a daze and meets Rafael’s eyes brightly.

“So when did you get your first crush on a guy?”

Rafael cringes. “What is this, middle school gossip hour?”

“I wanna get to know you!” Carisi laughs. “Come on and humor me. Tell me your first _celebrity_ crush.”

Rafael smirks. “You go first.”

“Ok, easy. John Travolta in _Grease_.”

“What? That movie came out before you were born.”

“And? _Grease_ has never stopped being relevant.” Carisi gives a sly smile. “Besides, leather jacket, tight shirt, nice car. What’s not to love?”

“Oh, is that what you go for?”

“Why, Rafael? You taking notes?”

Rafael is caught off-guard by Carisi’s confidence. Carisi makes eye contact and holds it, then says “your turn” in a sing-song voice. Rafael licks his lips. He’s distantly aware of the pounding of his heartbeat.

“Uh—you know _The Breakfast Club?_ ” he asks. Carisi nods. “The jock.”

“No shit, Emilio Estevez? A local celebrity!” Carisi grins. “You know he’s from Staten Island, right?”

Great. Rafael has a type.

“That’s so funny. You like blondes, then?”

“Wouldn’t _you_ like to know.”

Carisi smiles wide, and Rafael takes pride in his own well-honed flirting skills. He watches as Carisi leans back in his chair and takes a long swig from his bottle of water.

“When you gotta be in court?” he asks, re-capping the bottle.

Rafael tears his eyes from Carisi’s neck and taps his phone to check the time. “Half an hour,” he says. “I should probably get going.”

“I’ll walk you there.”

Carisi throws away their trash as Rafael pulls on his coat and scarf. When Carisi comes back to the table, he follows Rafael out, one hand resting gently against Rafael’s back as they weave through the still-crowded cafe. When they step out the door, Carisi drops his hand, and Rafael tightens his scarf.

“Cold?” Carisi asks.

Rafael shakes his head. “I’m fine.”

 

\---

 

Lydia shows up at the courthouse. Olivia tells him just before she sits down in the gallery.

“Ann didn’t see her,” she says, in an attempt at reassurance. “But I guess she’s not returning Lydia’s calls.”

Rafael wishes she hadn’t told him this, because it just makes him sad for the both of them. He glances back towards the doors to see if anyone else is coming in. The courtroom is just about full, and the trial will start at any moment. A couple of last-minute spectators come through just before the doors are closed. Rafael is about to turn back around when Carisi catches his eye. He gives Rafael a smile and winks.

The bailiff clears his throat. “All rise.”

 

\---

 

Ann does well with her testimony, but she falters on the cross-examination. Braun senses her nervousness and starts wheedling at her. He take a low blow by referring to Lydia as Ann’s “lesbian friend,” then he implies that Lydia was jealous of Lucas, and that’s why she told the police that Ann was raped. Rafael objects to both statements immediately. The objections are sustained, but when Braun’s paralegal walks in with new video evidence, the jury’s attention is quickly diverted.

“I need to review this evidence,” Rafael says.

The Judge nods. “As do I. Court is in recess.”

 

\---

 

Rafael and Olivia watch the video back in Rafael’s office. In it, Ann tells Reverend Gary that she made a mistake.

“There goes our case,” Olivia says, afterward.

Rafael disagrees. It’s not that he’s an optimist, it’s just that he has confidence in his ability. Olivia brings a copy of the video back to the precinct. The trial won’t continue until the next day, so Rafael sits down at his computer and watches the video again and again, trying to find something—anything that he can use against Lucas. He’s about to give up when his phone dings with a text alert. It’s Carisi again.

_saw that video. the reverend’s clearly leading her._

Rafael texts back immediately. _Doesn’t matter. She says she made a mistake. The defense will cling to that._

_we should go after gary_

Rafael has been thinking the same thing. If only there were something they could go after him _for_. Something in his past, maybe, that’s somehow connected to Ann or Lucas.

_wanna have dinner?_

Rafael smiles at the text and takes a chance. _Is this for business or pleasure?_

Carisi hesitates for only a moment. _it’s always a pleasure when i’m with you_

_Well aren’t you a flirt._

_guilty as charged_

Rafael feels that familiar curl of excitement in his stomach. _Where should we go?_

_depends on what you’re in the mood for_

_Italian_

_is that a come-on?_

Rafael bites his lip. It honestly wasn’t intended as one, but if Carisi thinks it was, and isn’t bothered by it, then Rafael is just going to let it slide. His phone dings again.

_I know a few good places. or, if you’d like something more intimate, you could just come to my apt. I’ll cook_

Rafael stares at Carisi’s text for almost as long as it took Carisi to send it. He knows how to read between the lines, but he’s not sure what his response is going to be. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with a hookup; it’s just that it’s not what Rafael wants from this. He wants the whole thing. He wants to hold Carisi’s hand, rest his head against Carisi’s shoulder. He wants to go on dates to the theater, and the movies, and the park. But if this is what Carisi wants—if sex is all Rafael will ever get, then he’s just desperate enough to agree to it.

 _What’s your address?_ he asks, and presses send.

 

\---

 

Carisi lives on the third floor of a small brick building that looks so thin, Rafael is surprised it can house more than two people. He texts his arrival while standing at the door, and soon enough, he hears footsteps creaking down wooden stairs inside. The door swings open.

“Counselor,” Carisi says with a grin.

“Detective.”

Carisi motions Rafael inside and leads him up the stairs. He takes Rafael’s coat from him as they enter the apartment.

“Cozy,” Rafael says, looking around.

“It’s okay, you can say ‘small.’”

Rafael hands Carisi the bottle of wine he bought on the way over.

“You didn’t have to bring anything,” Carisi says. “I hate to admit it, but I got stuck at the precinct working on another case—wait ‘til you hear about it, it’s a doozy—and I uh, I didn’t have time to cook, so I picked something up.”

“Perfect,” Rafael says. “I practically live off takeout.”

Carisi laughs, and for a split second, Rafael isn’t sure he can do this. He’s stunned by Carisi’s wide smile, the crinkles at his eyes that mean he’s truly happy. He looks so good like this—suit jacket and vest removed, an extra button undone at his neck. Rafael aches with the knowledge that he has only this one night to appreciate him.

“Believe it or not, I have a dining room,” Carisi says, and the moment is broken. He leads Rafael around the corner, where a small, four-person table is set for only two. Rafael notices now the smell of tomato sauce and basil.

“I got lasagna,” Carisi says. “It’s not my own, but it’s from a place I trust enough to do it right.” He pulls out a chair for Rafael, and pats him on the shoulder before sitting down himself.

Dinner is pleasant. They talk about the video and how it’s going to affect the case. It’s not the lightest topic of conversation, but it’s common ground and familiar for both of them. Rafael is nervous, and talking about work just feels safe.

“I feel like there’s something we’re missing,” Carisi says. “I don’t know what, but once we get it—I just think there’s some other angle we gotta work.”

Rafael pushes tomato sauce and ricotta around his empty plate, then soaks it up with a piece of bread.

“If you find out what it is, tell me,” he says, hearing the sarcasm and doubt in his own voice.

Carisi chuckles. He’s quiet for a moment, and when Rafael looks up, Carisi is staring at him with something like affection.

“Coffee?” Carisi asks.

Rafael nods.

They take their two steaming mugs of coffee into the split kitchen/living room. Carisi attempts a sip, but grimaces at the temperature and sets it down on the coffee table instead. When Rafael sits down on the sofa, Carisi sits right next to him. Rafael sets down his own mug next to Carisi’s. He doesn’t think he’ll be drinking it anytime soon.

“So,” Carisi says.

“So,” Rafael repeats.

Carisi laughs to himself. “I haven’t done this in a really long time. My fucking hands are shaking.” He holds out his hand, and sure enough, there’s a slight tremble.

“Well, if it helps, I couldn’t tell,” Rafael says. He flicks his eyes over Carisi’s body. “You look good tonight.”

“You do too. You always do.” Carisi puts a hand on Rafael’s knee and squeezes. Rafael is more nervous than he’s ever been before. “Is it okay if I kiss you?” Carisi asks. Rafael nods.

Carisi leans forward, holding eye contact until the last possible moment, when his eyelids slip closed and fan long lashes over his smooth, tender skin. He kisses so gently, it’s as if he isn’t there at all. Rafael lifts his hand to bury it in Carisi’s hair and pull him closer. Carisi gives a little “mmm,” and opens his mouth against Rafael’s lips.

He tastes warm, like the red wine they had with dinner. Rafael melts into him. He can feel his body responding—his heartbeat quickening, arousal building between his hips. But nothing compares to just this—kissing Carisi, feeling Carisi’s hands grip tightly to his biceps, as if he never, ever wants to let go.

Carisi pulls away with a gasp.

“I’m sorry,” he says, abruptly. “I—I don’t think I can do this.”

Rafael is stunned into silence. Carisi stands up, but then swoons a bit and sits back down.

“Shit,” he mutters.

“Are you alright?” Rafael is hesitant to touch him.

“Yeah, I just—I stood up too fast. .... _Shit_.”

They sit there in silence for a moment. Rafael wonders whether he should leave. He doesn’t want to ask, because he’s too afraid the answer will be yes. Carisi is running a hand through his hair. Rafael gathers up his courage and clears his throat.

“Carisi—”

Carisi snorts. “ _Sonny_. Call me Sonny.”

Rafael rolls his eyes. “Sonny, then.” Sonny smiles for a brief moment, then groans and shakes his head.

“God, I’m sorry, Rafael. I really thought—I’m sorry to make this so fucking weird.”

“What are you—”

“I thought I could do this, I thought—I thought that if this were the only way I could have you, that maybe it would be enough. But it’s not. It’s really not, and I’m sorry I took it this far before I could finally fucking realize that.”

Rafael’s mouth feels dry. “What do you mean?” he asks, slowly.

“You can go if you want.”

“No, Car—Sonny, what do you mean?”

Sonny turns to look at Rafael with eyes sadder than Rafael has ever seen them. Rafael wants to take Sonny in his arms. Fold them around his thin body and whisper to him that it will be okay.

“I like you a lot,” Sonny says, simply. “I can’t just sleep with you. I can’t do a one-night stand or a friends-with-benefits thing. I thought I could, but I’m too fucked up over—” He shakes his head and looks down at his hands. “Over how much I _really_ fucking like you.”

Rafael’s heart is beating a mile a minute. “And what makes you think it isn’t mutual?”

“Huh?”

“You think _I_ just wanted a one-night stand?

Sonny opens his mouth, but can’t seem to manage much other than an “Uh—”

Rafael smirks. “Have to say, seems a little homophobic of you to assume that because I’m a gay man, I’m only interested in hookups.”

Sonny finally laughs, and shoves Rafael gently. “Oh, shut up.”

Rafael grabs his hands before Sonny can pull them away. “I was willing to do it because I thought that’s what you wanted.”

Sonny looks at him with slowly dawning realization. “That’s not what I wanted,” he murmurs.

Rafael watches him. The open awe on his face, the soft pink blush spreading across his cheeks. Sonny takes one of Rafael’s hands in both of his own and strokes it, running his thumb along Rafael’s knuckles and down his fingers.

“Hey—” he says. He’s so quiet that Rafael leans in closer to hear him better. “Do you get manicures?” Sonny asks. He looks up with a teasing grin. Rafael yanks his hand away.

“Time for me to go,” he says, standing up.

Sonny bursts out laughing. He grabs Rafael’s hand and tugs him back down to the sofa, then wastes no time in swooping in to kiss him, one hand firmly cupping Rafael’s face.

Just like before, Rafael melts into him. He can feel Sonny’s lips stretched into a smile. When Sonny starts nibbling at Rafael’s lower lip, Rafael opens his mouth. Sonny is more confident now. He takes control of the kiss and presses Rafael back against the sofa. Rafael likes how tall Sonny is. How he has to tilt his head back to meet him, and how Sonny towers over him, just a little.

“Can I sit in your lap?” Sonny asks, the words slightly muffled against Rafael’s mouth.

“Yeah. Yes,” Rafael gasps. Sonny swings one long leg over Rafael and settles in close—a heavy, welcome weight on Rafael’s thighs. His body is so warm. Rafael strokes his back over and over, until Sonny tilts up Rafael’s chin to kiss him more deeply. Rafael’s hands still, clinging to the loose fabric of Sonny’s shirt and wrinkling it.

“I’ve thought about this,” Sonny says, as they part. “So often.”

Rafael leans into Sonny’s neck and kisses his bare throat. He can feel Sonny’s heartbeat thudding against his lips. When he grazes his teeth across Sonny’s skin, Sonny gasps.

“Whoa, okay,” he says. Rafael pulls back with a smile. “I love this,” Sonny says. “But if we keep going, then kissing isn’t gonna be enough. I mean—that’s okay with me, but is that okay with you?”

Rafael raises an eyebrow and rubs little circles against Sonny’s hips with his thumbs.

“Are you asking me if I want to have sex with you?”

Sonny opens his mouth. His whole face is pink, and Rafael is delighted that he blushes so deeply.

“Yeah, I guess,” Sonny says. “But like—boyfriend sex. Not hookup sex.”

“Then yes. Yes, definitely.” Rafael wraps his arms around Sonny’s waist and pulls him down so they’re both lying on their sides on the small sofa. He props himself up on his elbows and unbuttons Sonny’s shirt down to his stomach.

“God, this sofa wasn’t meant for this,” Sonny says, sounding dazed.

“That’s because you’re too tall for it. You should get one that fits you.”

“Easy for you to say.  What do you have, a loveseat?”

Rafael loves that they’re teasing each other in the middle of foreplay. It feels so natural—so _Sonny_. His gentle jabs are like tiny reassurances that it’s him. That this is really happening with _him_.

Rafael kisses beneath Sonny’s shirt. He follows the blush that extends down his chest, breathing in the scent of Sonny’s skin as his eyes fall closed with each touch. When he looks up, Sonny is watching him, his eyes wide, and his smile a little dopey.

“Come back here,” he says, and lifts himself up on his elbows to meet Rafael halfway. He sucks on Rafael’s lip, and when Rafael pulls away, it makes a little ‘plop’ sound.

Sonny giggles like a teenager. He lays back down and reaches up for Rafael’s shirt. Rafael changed into something more casual after work—a soft navy sweater that he’s glad he chose, once Sonny starts running his hands over it.

“Bet your skin feels even better than this,” Sonny murmurs.

Rafael grips the hem of the sweater and pulls it up over his head. For a moment, he feels self-conscious—hyper-aware of the fact that he’s ten years older than Sonny, and his body will reflect that. Once he looks down again, he catches Sonny licking his lips and staring hungrily. His worries disappear.

“Fuck,” Sonny mutters, swallowing thickly. “You look great in that sweater, but I’m never letting you put it back on.”

Rafael laughs, and Sonny wriggles out from underneath him. He pushes Rafael backwards so their positions are reversed—Rafael lying down, Sonny kneeling over his hips.

Rafael is beginning to think he has a thing for Sonny’s height. Every time Sonny leans over him, it’s like all the breath whooshes out of his lungs. He watches as Sonny slips one hand inside his pants and touches himself.

“Oh, unfair,” Rafael says, his heart pounding. Sonny puts on a show, tilting his head back and closing his eyes as he gives a long sigh of relief.

“Can’t help it,” he says, voice breathy. “This is what you’ve done to me.” He rolls his head to the side and grins, causing a spike of arousal to jolt through Rafael’s body. Sonny frowns, still grinning. “Did your dick just twitch?” he asks. “God, I _felt_ that.”

Rafael groans, his face flushing. Sonny removes his hand from his pants and wriggles down so he’s sitting between Rafael’s legs. The sofa is too small, so Rafael drops one leg to the floor.

“I have a bed you know,” Sonny says.

“In this place? Where would it fit?”

Sonny’s jaw drops in mock offense, and he grabs Rafael’s hips and tugs him close so that when he leans forward, their groins are lined up, and Rafael can feel Sonny’s erection straining against him.

“That was mean,” Sonny whispers against Rafael’s mouth. He cages Rafael between his arms. “I was going to blow you, but if you’re gonna make fun of my apartment....”

Rafael sucks in a breath. “No, _please_.”

Sonny laughs, and Rafael loves the sound of it. He can feel Sonny’s overheated skin. Every breath he takes. He can feel the soft rumble of his chest as Sonny’s laugh trails off, then disappears entirely.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you,” Sonny whispers. He shifts back on the sofa and unfastens Rafael’s pants. His touch is confident, and Rafael feels light-headed. Sonny pulls Rafael’s pants off his legs and smiles down at his boxers.

“You’re cute,” he says. Rafael doesn’t think the boxers aren’t anything special—they’re just blue and grey plaid—but Sonny seems charmed. He runs a hand over them, pressing them flat against Rafael's leg. “I’ve always wondered what you wear under those fancy suits,” he says.

“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

“Disappoint me? Rafael, you could be wearing a potato sack cut to the shape of your ass, and I’d still think it’s the hottest thing I’d ever seen.”

Rafael puts a hand over his face and laughs. He’s not sure he’s ever laughed so much while in bed with someone. He feels Sonny’s fingers inching into his waistband, then tugging his boxers down.

“Lift up,” Sonny says, softly. His lips are parted, his eyes heavy-lidded. Rafael has the urge to cover himself, but that urge disappears quickly, because Sonny is looking at him like he’s never seen anything better.

“I, uh—” Sonny sputters, then quickly stands up and removes the rest of his clothes. “Sorry, I just feel like I’m gonna bust out of my pants.”

“Charming,” Rafael drawls. He feels good like this—relaxed and bold.

“I wanna taste you,” Sonny mutters, almost to himself. He kneels down between Rafael’s legs and strokes a few times before taking him into his mouth all at once.

“Fuck—” Rafael arches his back. Sonny’s mouth is hot and tight. He feels a little dizzy from the sudden, all-encompassing sense of pleasure. “God, it’s—it’s not a race!”

Sonny pulls off and laughs, then satisfies himself with just sucking on the tip of Rafael’s cock. Rafael’s vision is a little hazy. He clutches at the sofa cushion with one hand, and strokes along his chest with the other. His skin feels sensitive. The brush of his own fingertips is keeping him on edge.

“Mmmph,” Sonny moans, pulling off. “God, that’s so hot, keep touching yourself.”

Rafael glances down at him. Sonny’s face is red, his lips plump and slick. Rafael has to turn away quickly, because Sonny looks so good, Rafael could come just from looking at him.

Sonny starts sucking him slowly; long pulls that are lazy and languid. He keeps one hand at the base of Rafael’s cock and runs the other along the inside of Rafael’s thigh. His nails scratch gently at the tender skin, and Rafael’s arousal builds like a slow crescendo.

They’re both covered in a light sheen of sweat. Rafael stares at Sonny’s hair, mussed and falling in strands over his forehead. Sonny makes eye contact, then slides down until Rafael’s cock hits the back of his throat. His throat convulses, and Rafael makes a helpless whimper.

“Fuck,” he whispers. “Fuck, fuck, fuck—”

His eyes fall closed against his will as a wave of heat rolls through his body. He comes with a groan, head tilted back while Sonny swallows eagerly around him. He can feel Sonny’s hand tight on his thigh, the warmth of Sonny’s skin between his legs. His toes curl and catch against someone’s discarded clothing.

“God,” he gasps. The tension in his body releases all at once, and he’s left boneless and exhausted. He snorts in disbelief and looks down at Sonny, who has pulled off, and is now lying with his forehead pressed against the inside of Rafael’s hip.

“That was incredible,” he murmurs. Sonny doesn’t look up, just kisses his hip bone. “I can return the favor if you’d like.”

He feels a breath of warm air against his skin, then Sonny finally lifts his head.

“That’s okay,” he says. “I uh—I finished.”

Rafael stares at him. “What?”

“I really like giving blow jobs, okay?”

Rafael would get hard again if he could. Sonny sits up, and Rafael’s eyes gaze along his thin body.

“I think I ruined your boxers though,” Sonny admits, looking guilty. “It was the heat of the moment, and I was kind of rubbing up against them—”

“You need to stop talking, because I _already_ want to go again.”

Sonny laughs, his whole face lighting up. Rafael feels a sharp sense of affection and opens his arms, gesturing for Sonny to lie down along his side.

“I’d offer a pair of mine, but I don’t think they’d fit you. You’re gonna have to go commando.”

“Hmm. Worth it.” Rafael leans over for a kiss. “You can keep mine if you want. I like the thought of you using them when you’re lonely and need to be satisfied.”

Sonny’s eyes widen as he grins. “Wow, you’re filthy.”

“So sue me.” Rafael leans in for another kiss.

 

\---

 

He stays until 10:30, when they reluctantly get up from the sofa and kiss each other goodbye. They both have to be in court tomorrow. Rafael will argue a case he’s likely to lose against people who would call him an abomination. Who would call his feelings for Sonny a sin. When Sonny hugs him, Rafael holds on tight and tries to soak up all his warmth.

The next morning, he wakes in his own apartment, alone. He doesn’t usually have trouble getting out of bed, but this morning he finds himself hitting snooze. He closes his eyes, chasing memories of the night before.

When the alarm wakes him again, Rafael groans. He heaves a sigh and grabs his phone from the nightstand, noticing immediately that he has a text from Sonny.

_good morning :)_

Rafael can’t help but smile. He responds with _“need coffee”_ and gets an _“lol”_ in return. He goes about his morning routine, showering, having breakfast, and putting on the outfit he so carefully chose the night before. Stray thoughts of Sonny still linger at the edges of his mind.

 

\---

 

“Lucas should not be made to suffer for saving Ann, for being a messenger of God's will.”

Reverend Gary is on the stand today, and Rafael is scribbling down notes. Braun is trying hard to push his “religious persecution” defense.

“Is it your impression,” he asks, “As Ann's spiritual counselor, that she wanted to be saved from homosexuality?”

Rafael flinches.

“Absolutely,” the Reverend answers, the hint of a confident smirk on his lips. “I have no doubt in my mind. We discussed it on many occasions.”

Rafael stands up. “Objection, this is privileged communication between a clergyman and a congregant. Ms. Davenport does not waive this privilege.”

The objection is sustained, but it’s a miniscule victory. Braun ends his questioning by reaffirming Gary’s belief in curative intercourse. Now, it’s Rafael’s turn.

 

\---

 

There’s a brief recess after the cross. Rafael heaves a sigh and steps out of the courtroom to breathe.

“Hey, good work in there,” Sonny says, finding him immediately and patting him on the back. He drops his hand as soon as Olivia and Amanda step out. “That bit about forgiveness was great.”

“Thank you, Carisi,” Rafael mutters. He wishes he were in a better mood, but the trial isn’t going well. Rafael feels like shit.

“That didn’t go how you wanted it to,” Olivia says.

How does she always see right through him?

“I don’t know,” Amanda says. “I’m with Carisi. That bit about forgiveness implying a transgression—”

“It’s so simple!” Rafael says, interrupting her. “It would be such a black-and-white case if it weren’t for their ‘religious persecution’ bullshit. This irrelevant nonsense about God and being _saved_. Ann didn’t want to have sex, ergo it was rape. It’s really as simple as that. Everything else is just fucking—” He cuts himself off instead of saying what he’s thinking: homophobia.

“Think you’re preaching to the choir,” says Sonny, quietly.

Olivia pats him on the shoulder and goes back into the courtroom.

 

\---

 

The defense calls Lucas to the stand, and asks him to describe what happened that night. Lucas is solemn and worried and more earnest than any boy his age has a right to be. He stresses how scared they both were. How hard it was for both of them. How he knew he was doing ‘his responsibility.’ Rafael looks over at the jury and sees far too much sympathy for his liking. He’s afraid Lucas is winning them over.

“Did she, at any point, say that she had been raped or that she was going to call the police?” Braun asks.

“No.” Lucas is firm and honest. “Reverend Gary said that Lydia called the police and that's why they were involved. And when they came to me, I told them the truth.”

Rafael wishes the boy had lied.

“Thank you, Lucas.” Braun looks pleased. He glances up at Rafael before stepping away from the stand. Rafael doesn’t let his worry show on his face.

“Do you consider Ann to be truthful?” he asks Lucas.

Lucas’s earnestness can be used to Rafael’s advantage. The fact that he was truly trying to help Ann—to do what he thought he had to do to save her—can be twisted.

“Can you explain why her testimony directly refutes yours?” he asks. He quotes Ann word for word, reading from her statement, eyes flickering up to watch Lucas’s face.

“It's—it's what happens,” Lucas stammers. “It's like Reverend Gary says.”

In some not-so-distant part of his heart, Rafael feels bad for the boy. He’s been brainwashed by the Reverend. He’s been brainwashed his whole life. If Rafael can see it as a prosecutor, then surely the jury can, too.

“If I'm the one that has to pay for it, so be it,” Lucas says. “But I love Ann. I would never want to hurt her.”

That may have been the final nail in the coffin of the case, but Rafael gives it one last try.

“You did,” he says.

 

\---

 

He meets SVU outside the courtroom. Spectators have flooded out the doors and are milling about in the hallway. Rafael leans against the wall and waits, watching their faces.

“Hey.” Sonny and Amanda are the first ones out. “Liv’s talking to Ann,” Sonny says. He looks Rafael in the eye. “How you doing?”

Rafael’s eyes flicker over to Amanda, but there’s no sense of surprise in her face. He wonders if Sonny told her.

“How do you think?” he asks. “We’ve lost the jury.”

“You don’t know that.”

Rafael raises an eyebrow.

“You going to take a deal?” Amanda asks.

It would be smart. Despite Sonny’s unwavering faith, Rafael doesn’t think he has a chance. Lucas is just a puppet, clearly being led by Reverend Gary. The Reverend is the real enemy here. But that doesn’t mean that Lucas isn’t still complicit.

Just as Rafael says “no,” Amanda gets a phone call. “Fin,” she says to Sonny before answering. She steps away to take it, leaving Rafael and Sonny on their own. Sonny lifts a hand and touches Rafael on the arm. Rafael would kill for more contact.

“We’ve gotta go,” Amanda says, coming back almost as soon as she left. “There’s been a break on the Mullen case.” Sonny nods and Amanda says a quick goodbye to Rafael before heading for the exit. Sonny hesitates for half a second, then leans in close to Rafael’s ear.

“Wish I could kiss you goodbye,” he says. He pulls back and gives Rafael a sad smile, then follows Amanda to the door.

Olivia steps out just as Sonny leaves.

“What’s up?” she asks, eyes following him.

“Fin called them back to the precinct. Something about the Mullen case?”

Olivia nods. They stand together silently, watching Lucas, Braun, and Gary, who are chatting and smiling together across the hall. They look happy, which Olivia comments on before asking Rafael the same two questions Sonny and Amanda did. He gives her the same two answers.

“So when are we going after the real villain?” Olivia asks, eyeing Gary.

“The Reverend.”

“You heard Lucas on the stand. You saw that video.”

“We would need to prove that Gary ordered Lucas to rape Ann—”

“And Lucas is the only one who can tell us that. Let me do some digging.”

Rafael nods.

“So....you and Carisi.” Olivia gives a little smirk, but Rafael responds with a frown.

“What about us?”

“Nothing. He just seemed to lean in awful close to you before he left.”

“Well I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m working on a sensitive case, and there are ears all around us.”

“Oh, is that what it was? Something about the case?”

Rafael looks away and pulls his phone from his pocket, pretending to read a text.

 

\---

 

Rafael picks up a salad on his way back to the office. It’s not going to be filling, but he’s too nervous for real food, and he figures it would be good to get some vegetables in his stomach now and then. He pokes at the lettuce with a plastic fork while re-watching Exhibit E—the video. The portion referenced in court cut off before the prayer began, but the video actually continues through the prayer, the three of them leaving the room shortly after.

“Let’s pray,” Gary says. They all kneel on the floor and hold hands. Ann looks small and nervous, and Rafael hurts for her—holding the hand of the friend who raped her, and the Reverend that gave him the idea.

“Lord God,” Gary says. “Please be with us in this time of need. We pray for your continued wisdom, for your clarity. We pray for the strength to stay true to your law.”

Ann is frowning. Lucas’s brow is furrowed in what looks to Rafael like confusion. The Reverend continues.

“May your son Lucas find relief from persecution. May your daughter Ann be led away from sin and towards your light. For your blessings and mercy, we pray. Amen.”

Lucas and Ann repeat the “Amen,” then open their eyes and look at each other. Rafael shakes his head. They’re both so young. They’re just teenagers, still figuring things out. The Reverend lets go of their hands, but Lucas and Ann hold onto each other just a few seconds more. Rafael wonders what their relationship was like before this. They both said that they were close. Was it because of the church? Shared interests? What else did they have in common?

The three of them chat quietly about nothing of importance, then leave the room together. The Reverend mentions returning Ann to her mother, and the video stops. When the screen goes black, Rafael can see his reflection in it.

He can’t stop thinking about Ann. Being fed this toxic, homophobic doctrine her whole life. Coming to terms with her attraction to women, meeting Lydia, getting a crush, only to have Lydia escape their religious upbringing and finally make her way to New York. Hearing about Lydia’s life here—her freedom—must have inspired such longing. Seeing her again must have been a relief. He wonders what Ann’s plans were for their relationship. Would she have wanted to stay with Lydia in New York? Go home and finish school, and then leave?

Rafael’s phone rings, and he looks down at the screen to see that it’s Sonny.

“Hey Raf—Barba,” Sonny says. “So Liv got us lookin’ into Reverend Gary. I guess Lucas quit school in his senior year and went to live with the guy. The Reverend’ll pick special kids to look out for sometimes.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rafael asks.

“We’d all love to know. Lucas was homeschooled by him and taught like an apprentice. And he wasn’t the only one. There were a six others. All of ‘em got into some kind of nondescript ‘trouble’ and Gary took them under his wing.”

“Well isn’t that kind of him.”

Sonny snorts. “Yeah. Clearly the guy’s got some hold on the kid. You wanna set up a meeting for us with Braun and Lucas? See if we can get some details?”

“Sure. I’ll text you the time and place. Olivia and Rollins, too.”

“Skip Rollins, she’s working that other case right now.”

“Alright. Just you and Liv, then.”

“Thanks. See you soon.”

“Wait—detective?” Rafael’s heart beats hard in his chest.

“Yeah?”

“What you said, before you left this afternoon....I would have liked that.”

Sonny doesn’t say anything, and Rafael can practically hear his confusion over the line, so he forces himself to be more explicit.

“If you had kissed me goodbye,” he clarifies.

Sonny is quiet for just a couple more seconds. “Have you thought about disclosure?” he asks. He’s speaking under his breath, so Rafael assumes there are people nearby.

“I have,” says Rafael. “You want to give it a month?”

“Sounds good, yeah.”

“Alright. It’s a deal. Talk to you soon.”

Rafael takes a deep breath after hanging up. He forces his heartbeat to slow, then pages Carmen.

“Could you get me Braun on the phone?” he asks.

 

\---

 

Rafael gets to the meeting a little late. By the time he swoops in, Braun and Lucas are already seated at the table, Olivia on the opposite side. Sonny is perched on a side table, arms crossed over his chest.

“Don’t keep us in suspense,” Braun says. “Why are we here? I already told you my client’s not taking a deal.”

Rafael shrugs. “What if I were to propose a much better deal? We don’t think your client’s the only guilty party here.”

“Excuse me?”

“We want the Reverend,” Olivia says. They take turns interrogating and coddling Lucas to get him to talk. He admits that he lived with Reverend Gary for a year—and that it was the Reverend’s idea.

“And you do whatever Gary tells you to do, right?” Sonny asks. Lucas looks conflicted, so Sonny comes closer and speaks to him like an equal. “I’m not judging,” he says. “I grew up in faith, I understand.”

Rafael loves seeing Sonny in interrogations. He knows how to talk to people to get them to open up. Anyone—from the worst of the worst, to the most vulnerable and scared.

“It was the best thing that could have happened,” Lucas says. “I learned so much. He taught me to trust in God’s plan.”

The Reverend told Lucas to quit school, to live with him and study scripture. He had Lucas do chores around the house and church. He took Lucas and his other “special” students volunteering for their youth programs.

“Did he ever ask you to perform curative intercourse before?”

Braun prickles. “Alright, don’t, Lucas—”

“You don’t understand him or us!” Lucas shouts. He looks angry and stubborn. “You’ve got him all wrong!”

“He told you to assault Ann—”

“He saw Lydia with her! He knew she was in trouble, and that we were out of time!” Lucas is getting emotional. He’s on the edge of his seat, agitated.

Olivia nods. “So he ordered it specifically—”

“No! He’s not the sinner, I am! It was my penance!”

Rafael holds his breath.

“Ann didn’t just confide in me because we’re friends,” Lucas admits. He stands up and goes to the window, staring outside. His words come more slowly now, like it hurts to let them out. “We succumbed to the same temptation,” he says. “I never got into any trouble at school. Reverend Gary caught me one night with a friend. ....A boy.”

Behind him, Rafael hears Sonny exhale slowly.

 

\---

 

“Wait—Rafael!”

When the meeting was over, Rafael all but stormed out of the room. He hasn’t stopped walking, even though he knows Sonny is behind him.

“Hey,” Sonny calls. “Hold up!” He gets close enough to put a hand on Rafael’s arm and turn him around. “Can we talk?”

Rafael stops and looks at him. He’s scowling, and he hurts, but Sonny’s eyes are worried and gentle. Rafael takes a deep breath. He glances around them in the hallway.

“Not here,” he says.

Sonny nods towards an empty meeting room, and closes the door once they’re inside. Rafael scrubs a hand over his face.

“I knew this would suck,” Sonny says.

Rafael snorts—a mixed release of emotion. They stand quietly apart, looking at each other. Rafael’s whole body is tense.

“Come ‘ere,” Sonny says, softly. He opens his arms in an invitation and beckons Rafael closer with a wave of his hand. Rafael hesitates for a moment, then steps forward into Sonny’s arms. Sonny closes them around him, and Rafael feels all of his barriers break.

“You okay?” Sonny asks. He speaks with his cheek pressed against Rafael’s hair.

“I’m fine,” Rafael says. “I just hate this fucking case.”

“Yeah, I know.” Sonny holds him tightly, and Rafael leans into him, welcoming his stability and strength. “Don’t let it get to you,” Sonny says. “I’ve had a lifetime of hearing about how people like me are sinners, destined for hell, so I’ve learned a few things about tuning that shit out.”

Rafael gives into the mental argument he’s been having with himself and wraps both his arms around Sonny’s waist.

“How could you stand it?” he asks. “When you were younger? Just coming out?”

“I had a good support system. Mostly my sisters. They’d go to war to defend me, swear to God.”

Rafael smiles. He never had anyone like that, but he’s glad Sonny did. He wonders who Lydia’s support system was. She must have had one. She couldn’t possibly have had the courage to escape her upbringing and move to New York without one. Could she?

“You’ll make it through this, you know,” Sonny says. “So will Ann. So will Lucas, as messed up as the kid is. They’re young; they have their whole lives ahead of them to unlearn this shit. And you? You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve made it this far; this isn’t gonna be the case that destroys you.”

Rafael closes his eyes. He’d like to believe that he doesn’t need this—Sonny’s comforting words and strong arms. But it feels good. It feels validating.

“I’ll be fine,” Rafael says, against Sonny’s shoulder. He pulls back slowly, but doesn’t remove his arms from around Sonny’s waist. “I just—sometimes I forget that people really think like this. This whole case has been somewhat of a rude awakening.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Sonny lifts a hand to flatten Rafael’s hair back into place. “But you know what? People like them are disappearing. The world’s getting better, and these assholes are fewer and fewer every year. Lydia escaped. Ann will, too. And you’re gonna be the one to help her.”

Rafael feels the last bit of stress melt away from his body. Now that Sonny’s talked him down, he’s relaxed and calm. He’s ready to keep fighting. To get justice for Ann.

“You....” he says, before trailing off. He shakes his head, chuckling. “I don’t know.”

“What?” Sonny asks, with a smile.

“I just—I don’t understand how an optimist like you got involved with an old grump like me.”

“Please, you’re not that old. Grumpy, sure, but—”

Rafael laughs.

“Olivia said she’d meet us at the precinct. You wanna walk down with me?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Sonny leans in to give him a quick kiss, but as he’s pulling away, Rafael tugs him back in for a longer one. Sonny is blushing and smiling, and Rafael feels certain that whoever sees them exit the room together is going to jump to the wrong conclusion. He brushes the thought aside as he opens the door. Let people talk.

 

\---

 

Threatening Gary with sex trafficking is Rafael’s idea. It’s the first thing that comes to mind once they learn that Lucas was paid a monthly stipend while living with him. If they can prove that any of the other boys living with him also performed “curative intercourse,” then sex trafficking is almost a given.

“But we can’t know without their cooperation,” Amanda says.

“Gary doesn’t know that,” replies Olivia. “He doesn’t know what Lucas told us.”

Rafael tries to hold back a smile. “Asset forfeiture laws are _very_ strong under sex trafficking.”

Amanda shrugs. “Well, the church has a lot to forfeit.”

 

\---

 

As expected, Gary crumples.

“They're kids,” Sonny says. “With normal sexual desires, but you made them feel like they had the devil inside them.”

Rafael admires him more than than ever in this moment. He watches from the other side of the glass as Gary bemoans the potential loss of his church’s money.

“I have over 900 congregants,” he says. “We raise money for the poor, for disaster relief, for missionary work. The people we help don’t deserve this. My congregation doesn’t deserve this.”

Braun tries to stop him. “Reverend, this is blackmail.”

“No,” Gary says, waving him off. “This is my burden.”

 

\---

 

Rafael offers him a plea for facilitation. He’d like to do more, but he doesn’t want to push it. If he pushes too far, it’s entirely possible that Braun will take his chances with a trial. Braun meets Rafael at his office to go over the details of the plea. Once they’re finished, they shake hands politely, and Braun tosses his empty coffee cup into the trash.

“Before I go, I just wanted to say....” He looks a little uncomfortable, avoiding Rafael’s eyes. Rafael frowns, suspiciously. “I know that this trial—uh, well the subject matter must have been difficult for you, since you’re uh—well I’ve heard that you’re—”

“Gay?” Rafael offers.

Braun looks a little relieved. “Yes. But I just wanted to say that you know, I don’t agree, of course. With what my client believes. It’s my job to defend him, and I was only trying to give him the best defense possible.”

“If you agreed with every lowlife you defend, I would have serious worries,” Rafael says in a flat tone. He motions Braun towards the door and opens it.

“Yes, very funny. Well, I just wanted you to know that I don’t have a problem with homosexuality.”

“Yes, alright, gold star for you. I’ll see you at the hearing.”

Rafael waits for Braun to turn away before he looks at Carmen and rolls his eyes. Carmen covers her mouth with her hand and laughs.

 

\---

 

SVU’s new case keeps Sonny too busy to get dinner and too tired to get drinks. He offers, but Rafael hears the exhaustion in his voice and turns him down twice.

“I don’t want you falling asleep on a barstool,” he says.

“No problem, we’ll sit in a booth.”

Rafael chuckles into his phone, but he still says no.

The truth is, he’s longing to see Sonny. He finds himself staring out the window of his Lyft, staring at the wall in his office, even gazing at nothing in the middle of the courtroom, too distracted by his own daydreaming to get up when his dockett number is called. It’s unprofessional, not to mention incredibly embarrassing. Rafael hasn’t felt this attached to someone in quite some time.

Luckily, they’re both avid texters. Rafael quickly gets used to Sonny’s lack of capitalization and enthusiasm for emoji. He starts checking his phone more frequently, even when he didn’t hear a text alert. Sometimes, he’s rewarded for it.

_i’m gonna take you out on the BEST date after this_

Rafael stares down at his phone inside the elevator of his own building. He reads the text over and over before sending back a calm and collected _“Looking forward to it.”_

When he looks up, he catches his own reflection in the clean metallic door. He didn’t even realize he was smiling.

 

\---

 

Rafael meets with Ann and her mother to tell them about the outcome of the trial. Olivia comes to support Ann. When Rafael tells them that Lucas got rape three, Ann looks at Olivia and heaves a sigh of relief. She listens attentively as Rafael explains the legal details.

“Thank you,” she says once he’s done. “It really—I really appreciate how much you did for me.”

Rafael nods at her, and looks up at Ann’s mother, sitting next to her. Her mother doesn’t say a word, not even of thanks.

“You deserve justice,” Rafael says. “And you deserved to have a choice.”

Ann smiles and stands up from the table, shaking Rafael’s hand when he offers it. Her mother walks towards the door, and stops when Olivia catches her attention.

“Ann,” Rafael says, when her mother’s back is turned. He looks up at Olivia, who has led the woman out of the room. He’s certain she’s done it on purpose, and he’s thankful for it. He rounds the table as Ann waits for him, out of her mother’s earshot for just a few moments.

“I just wanted to tell you to be strong. And be who you are. I know it’s hard in the face of everything you’ve gone through, and the environment that you’ve grown up in, but—”

“You sound like Lydia,” Ann says, sadly. “She used to tell me the same thing.”

“Used to?”

“I haven’t spoken to her since all this started.”

“You should.” Ann looks at the floor, and Rafael wonders if he’s getting too personally involved. If he is, he doesn’t care. This case has always been personal. “It helps,” he says. “To know other people who have gone through the same thing. I know that when I was first coming out, there wasn’t anyone for me to open up to.”

Ann’s eyes widen, and she glances over at her mother, who’s still involved in her conversation with Olivia.

“You’re homosexual?” Ann asks.

Rafael snorts. “I prefer ‘gay,’ but yes. And I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but parts of it—well, I remember what it was like to be young and closeted in high school. And I really think you would benefit from finding other people like you. Talking to them. Making friends.”

Ann nods, slowly. “Thank you. I’ll try.”

“You might want to look into some church youth groups. There are plenty of congregations that are accepting of the LGBT community. Embracing your sexuality doesn’t have to mean giving up your faith.”

Ann smiles. “I’m glad,” she says. “And I’m glad to have met you. I’ve never met an older hom—an older gay person.”

“We’re out here.”

“That’s honestly very comforting to know.”

Rafael feels so much warmth for this girl. He wishes he could take her to lunch, talk to her about life and history. Show her Stonewall. He wishes they had more time together outside of the trial, but her mother would never allow it. Her mother, who is frowning in the doorway, calling Ann’s name. Her mother, who could be detrimental to Ann’s growth and well-being.

“I’m coming,” Ann says, over her shoulder. “Thank you again, Mr. Barba. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me.”

Rafael nods. He takes a business card from his pocket and hands it to her. “If you need anything else—have any more questions—please feel free to call me.” He tries to express to her that it needn’t be related to the case, and from the look on her face, he thinks she understands.

“Thank you,” she says again, pocketing the card. She gives him one last smile, then turns out the door and follows her mother.

 

\---

 

When Gary and Lucas have both had their hearings, and the case is finally complete, Rafael takes the time to straighten up his desk, archiving his personal notes and collecting anything that needs to be shredded. He’s glad to be rid of it all. This case hurt more than most others.

Once he’s organized his things, Rafael sits down at his desk and looks at the time in the corner of his laptop. It’s just past 5:00. Carmen will be leaving soon, poking her head into his office to give him a stern frown and encourage him to go home. His desk phone rings just as he’s thinking about it, and the tone of the ring tells him it’s an inside call. He picks up the phone.

“Carmen?” he says. “You should be going home, why are you still here?”

“Gathering my things as we speak, Mr. Barba. Detective Carisi is on line one.”

“Thank you, have a good night.”

“You too.” Carmen hangs up, and Rafael takes a slow breath before switching lines.

“Detective?” he asks. “You know you have my extension.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sonny says. Rafael can hear the smile in his voice. “I have your cell number too, but I had to talk to Carmen anyway. She asked for one of my Nonna’s cookie recipes.”

Rafael shakes his head and breathes out a laugh.

“Anyway,” Sonny says. “I’m calling with very official police business.”

“Are you? Do tell.”

“Liv just took Ann to see Lucas. She says Ann is doing well—considering the circumstances.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

“Yeah. She’s going to go stay with some cousins in Denver. Says they’re a little more open-minded. They go to an Open and Affirming congregation, and she’s going to try it out there, see if she fits in.”

“She will.”

“Yeah, I have faith in her.”

Rafael smiles. He’s glad Ann is getting away from her parents. It’s really the healthiest thing that can happen for her.

“I uh—I called for one other reason,” Sonny says. “I gotta admit, this wasn’t entirely a work call.”

“Well it’s after five, I think that’s acceptable.”

“Do you want to have dinner with me tonight?”

Rafael grins, alone in his office. He’s glad there isn’t anyone here to see him, because he feels like a blushing schoolgirl.

“Are you asking me out on a date, Detective Carisi?”

“You’re keeping me in suspense, Counselor.”

Rafael chuckles. “Where should I meet you?”

 

\---


End file.
